Dear Joan,

I'm going to be honest with you, because that's what I do. I've read your letter twice and something's not quite adding up for me.

Young people. Car park. Five nights a week. Seven until one in the morning.

Joan, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to think carefully before you answer, because I've been around long enough to know that when someone says "myself and my family" they're usually leaving something out. Is there any chance — any chance at all — that one of your family is involved in this? A son? A nephew? A grandson? Because in my experience Joan, the car park across the road doesn't pick itself. These lads end up somewhere for a reason, and that reason is usually that they know someone nearby.

I'm not saying you're lying. I'm saying women of your age have a tendency to miss what's right in front of them. My second wife Janet could not locate her own car keys for eleven years despite them being on a hook by the front door. Right there. On a hook.

Now. Assuming it's genuinely nothing to do with you or yours —

The council and the police are useless. You already know this. Stop calling them, you're wasting your evenings.

What you need is a resident's association letter. Not from you personally — from everyone on the street. Collected signatures, submitted formally, referenced to noise abatement law. The moment it becomes plural they have to log it differently. That's not my opinion, that's how local government works. They can ignore Joan. They cannot as easily ignore Joan and fourteen of her neighbours.

Secondly — and I say this not to alarm you — those lads doing donuts are bored. Bored young men are a specific and manageable problem. They are not there to bother you Joan, you're not that interesting, no offence. They're there because there's nowhere else to go. If the car park had a barrier on a timer they'd be somewhere else within a fortnight. Get onto the car park's owner — council or private — and suggest exactly that. Put it in writing.

That's your route. Neighbours, letter, barrier.

And Joan — check the nephew.

Derek